I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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