If i come over, it means nothing
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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