If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
