When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
