If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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