There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
