Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
