i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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