I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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