I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
