In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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