all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
