My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize