you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
