She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
