Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize