my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
