He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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