Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
