So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
