Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
