I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
