I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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