Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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