I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
