summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
