Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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