I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
