Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
