yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
