I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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