i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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