that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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