i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
