Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
