so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
