i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
