My brain says no but my pants say off.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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