fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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