So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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