Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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