Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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