she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is it penis luge time yet?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize