1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
