Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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