If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
