sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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