Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
