I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Pappa wants mamma naked
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
