Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
