I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
