I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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