i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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