He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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