Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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