she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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